This bothers me a great deal. I am pretty sure I took my site off being searchable, but I guess I didn't? Now I'm going to stew over who googled, and who read my diary. In particular, two entries which are incriminating if you know who I am, who the other party was, and other such nonsense, were read. Yeah well, such is the life of a public documentor.

All I can say is, if things get mucked up in that circle because of this, I'll get over it. Things are already as mucked up as they can possibly get, and if they got more mucked up, I am fine to just wash my hands of that.

I wanted everyone to know about things from the beginning, but he didn't, and he is the one who kept our wee relationship a secret. I have too, in my daily life, and for the most part, haven't written about it all that much in this diary. Quite frankly, if things were to come out into the open, I hope he goes down with it. Because I went down with it, and I look like the bad guy, the weirdo, the aimless one.

With both jackrabbit and WNB, no one knew what was really going on with us behind closed doors, so from the outside, I looked like a girl that had a nasty massive crush and obsessed about two guys who wouldn't give me the time of day. But no-one knew that jackrabbit and I slept together and spent a significant portion of our free time together, of our own respective free wills, for about a year and a half. No one knows about the little, lovely two month relationship that ended for a reason that I think is a bullshit cover for some real, unknown reason. No one in the real outside world knows that my affections were returned, at least for a while.

So I look like the burr in the fur.

I guess it doesn't matter all that much what I look like to other people. But indirectly, things that look a certain way tend to make me feel that way too. And now I can actually feel the little spiny things I must have sprouted somewhere along the way, enabling me to cling to poor, unsuspecting passers-by.

Give me a break.

Also, the young man, the admirer, is still around, it seems. We had a big discussion about his comments, and he tried very hard to clarify what he said. And now, in retrospect, it seems rather like he is simply ignorant, a little uneducated, a lot afraid, and really trying hard to not be that way. He is full of reasons, excuses, and none of them really valid, so it's clear that he has room to grow. I'm giving him this one chance, a break, to redeem himself. Still not going to date him.

But the sex is good. WOW, it's good. Yeah, it's um. er. ah.

heeeeeeeeeehe.

It's really good.

God I want chocolate.