The five year old is the one that seems to feel all the pain.

So me, the me now, can handle the Gaffer and all those other ones that I hurt over, but the five year old can't, and she's the one that's devastated. She's the one that wants people to love her and is confused when they don't. Makes perfect sense to me, it's why I can't seem to connect my feelings about things. On the one hand I understand cognitively what's going on, and how to deal with it, and what I have to do, yet on the other hand I sink into some kind of sad despairing pain that's totally primal and childish.

It has nothing to do with the Gaffer, really, he's just a catalyst for all this.

So it's me I have to learn to live with, to relax, to release my muscles and let go of the stuff that I've kept in here since I was, what, Five?