As you know, I saw Jackrabbit last night. I didn't look at him much, let alone say anything to him, but he brought his new girlfriend. Which I discovered I was ok with, but I kinda was afraid to talk to her too. Anyway I did my best to avoid the situation until D. stole my seat while I was in the bathroom and I was forced to sit ACROSS FROM THEM. So I started to talk to her, I'm not a monster, you know...

And after a short conversation with her, which was stunted and she didnt' have much to say, and me feeling like a dork, suddenly jackrabbit asked me a question. No trace of anger or snideness or anything. It was really really strange considering the last time I talked to him he was berating me for thinking we could ever be friends again.

So we had a weird conversation as if nothing had ever happened and then when he left he said, "it was good to see you" and I just said "yeah!" because I didn't know what else to say.

It's such a strange feeling, because in that conversation I was looking at him while he spoke and I realized that all that desire and need for him that I used to harbour was gone. I still have affection and fondness, but the desperation I felt is gone. Perhaps it's because I'm myself now, and I am more myself than I have been in three years, nearly. I don't need anything from jackrabbit anymore. It's a bit sad, actually, sentimental sad. But a good sign for me.

And T. asked me to stay over last night and then go for breakfast in the morning. I don't know why, but he did. And that made me most sad. I sad no, I better not, and took the ride home. He has a girlfriend now as well, and I wouldn't want to put myself or him into a situation where we're both doing something we regret. He was exceedingly drunk and I was well in the can myself. But wow, I missed him a lot last night. He was my favourite, and still is, in lots of ways. I never felt stupid around him.

I asked him how his relationship was going and he shrugged and said "Alright". I said, "it's serious?". He said no.

I don't want to get my hopes up, not at all.

I'll just write about free will, and how I exercised it last night, and showed that we as humans can learn to change our ingrained behavious. A year ago, I would have stayed.