Instead of it being positive, now, it feels negative.

I like getting older because I'm not afraid of it. But why I'm not afraid is the problem. I am continually hoping for a better me. And I think with age, that better me will come. I keep thinking, ok when I'm 30 I'll be happy. I'll be in my prime at 30. I'll be where I want to be in life, working on a degree, supporting myself with acting alone (and probably the job at the theatre because I like it). When I'm 30 I'll have the body I want, because a) I'll have worked hard to be fitter and healthier, and b) because I'll be older and I'll have accepted myself for who I am.

But what if I haven't? Or what if there's more that I want to change? What if, for the rest of my life, I keep looking forward to being older and I am never satisfied? What if, when I am dying I realize that I never ever accepted myself because I was always looking for something else?

I'm not afraid of dying. If I was to die tomorrow, that's ok. But what I think would be ultimately disappointing is to see me for who I really am and kick myself for not realizing it and using it. That's tragic.

There are so many things wrong with the way I think that are now ingrained. I can't unthink them and I just become bitter and angry and sad, and resentful that other people don't have this problem. But, of course, they do. They just don't tell me about it.

I always wanted to be one of the cute girls, and I thought I was, until enough people made it clear through their actions that I am not. So now, when people do try to tell me they think I'm the cute girl, that I'm really beautiful and all of those things, it's nigh impossible for me to truly believe them.

And now, tonight at a very good friend's birthday party, I have to go be civil to two people that did their best to take away from me what little self-appreciation I might have. I better not drink, I'll probably start a fight.

Someone will get poked in the eye, and it won't be me.