My emotions are all over the map. Today I am more turned off than ever.

well hello little girl, want some candy?
I was told not to accept candy from big bad wolves...
so I am a big bad wolf now?

I tried to steer the conversation away from that. But a little later ...

but back to the wolf.
did the wolf comment bother you?
only depending on how it was meant.
how did it seem?
a little edgy.
are you worried I'm going to dislike you?
yes.

So am I. Today, in daylight, without the blinding shroud of fantasy, I see things for what they very well might be. He's in the market for an affair, short or long and with possibly more women than me. He's trolling for side diversions. He doesn't like it when he feels me slipping. I don't know if it upsets him or what, but he notices, and he's strikingly aware of me and what I say.

It feels sordid in this harsh light, like a desperate drive to fill some need we both have, sad as it is. He insists it's more than sexual. That my mind and my smarts and my conversational power are what made it so much more than that. But I think ultimately it's sexual. He's not looking for a connection, he's looking for a warm, inviting place to park his cock and mouth.

In other news:
My ex came to visit today for lunch and tea. He didn't like my tea. But I think he still likes me in a way that if I made a move, if I was to step back into his life in a certain way, it would be the catalyst for him to leave his current relationship, which feels rather doomed.

He's not allowed to visit me, though. She got mad when he told her he was going to come for a film and pizza on Wednesday. So he didn't come. And now he's mad about being told who he can and can't see. Understandably so.

It's interesting to me, and oddly paralleled that there are two men in my life and neither of them are technically allowed to see me. Yet they do it anyway. The cases are different, though, in that one is being ridiculous, and the other is being ignorant. And I am inclined to say bollocks to the ridiculous one and wholeheartedly agree with the ignorant one.

What is this?