I don't think I'm capable of normal relationships.

Everything I touch goes sour somehow, and I really believe that has something to do with me.

I know I'm going to get comments that say, "no no you're great, there's nothing wrong with you, it's them" etc, etc, but I beg to differ.

When you have this many problems, and they're all basically the same problem, and it's just the same shit over and over, and I lash out and get angry and sabotage and get mean out of frustration and hurt, I really do think it's me.

And I don't think therapy will help because I've been, and it didn't help. I really think I'm doomed to go through this same thing over and over again until I die. Or marry Chris, my ex, who I feel nothing for other than sentimentality and nostalgia, and a fear that I will never find anyone else.

And I love his family.

I'm going to read myself to sleep. Because if I don't distract, I'm going to cry, and if I start to think too much, I'll never sleep at all.