I am becoming compulsive and self-punishing again. When I get in this place, I become extremely destructive to myself. I punish myself in ways that are, in my opinion, rather unhealthy. Both with food and sex.

I gain copious amounts of weight, become mired in self-loathing, I lose respect for myself and then treat myself accordingly. I eat non-stop. I fuck people I shouldn't fuck, and then obsess about it and them, only to get into the self loathing and such again.

The side effects of this drug are the following:

I look high - dilated pupils.
I seem like I'm on speed - the jitters.
I have a damaged sex drive.
I have an upset stomach
I have intense dreams, but I have these anyway.
I sweat a lot.
I get headaches.
I grind my teeth and clench my jaw.
My creativity suffers - the only really bad thing.

The good side:

I stop compulsively eating.
I don't want to have sex.
I stop punishing myself with violent actions.
I stop having crying fits.
I become calm in my thoughts.
I don't want to die.
I sleep better.
I wake up refreshed.

I'm really not pleased that I'm doing this. I don't think drugs are the answer. But I don't know what else to do right now, and I'm freaked out. Therapy is, oddly, far more expensive that drugs, and it shouldn't be that way, but it is.

I did a few things today that really upset me, frightened me, and left me feeling panicked and afraid of how far I will go in my compulsiveness and punishment. I guess being aware of my behaviours is a start, but though I am aware of them, I don't know what to do about them.

I disociate when I engage in these things, I leave my body and continue on without my conscious consent. It's like I'm on autopilot. I deceive myself, exist in denial of what I'm doing.

So I made the choice. I guess we'll see how it goes. The dosage might be too high, but I can't see my doctor til later this week, and this can't wait that long. I can always dial the dosage back later.

Black day, folks. Black day.