I said I didn't know who she was anymore, and I felt like I lost my mother, the mother I knew is gone. She said that she's more my mother than ever before, and things.

I just don't have fun with them anymore, arguing about the bible and things. Really, I should just learn to keep my mouth shut and not say anything, even though I disagree with her so so so much. Because I believe she's lost to a particular god that doesn't exist, and she believes that I am lost to the devil.

If anything, she's lost me to the dirt. I have so little trust for anything religious in almost any religion that all I seem to believe in is soil, and that's where we go. It's comforting to me to know that when I am done here, I am DONE, and there is nothing more for me to do. True rest is to be dead and finished, not heading off to the gates to await judgement, not floating around for all eternity in some blissful light, not burning in hell, none of that.

Deep sleep without dreams. Without a god or a devil, without the family waiting, or enemies, without having to attone for things I've done wrong, or being praised for things I've done right. Without becoming part of some giant faceless nameless mass of other souls where you're not allowed to be alone. Deep sleep without dreams.

That would be restful.