It seems like every day, in some way, I plan my death. I think about what I could do to make it easy and painless, and without the possibility of screwing it up and simply maiming myself for life, which would be worse.

I don't do it. I don't make any preparations. I don't go through any steps to make it happen. I just think about it. I don't do it because of small reasons: I live alone and no-one else has keys. I could lie in here dead for a week while my cats eat me because I haven't been alive to feed them. People would wonder what happened to me, but since I never really call anyone anymore anyway, they wouldn't notice for a while. Until someone in the building noticed the smell.

My mother has already lost one child and she probably wouldn't make it through losing another. My brother would be really messed up.

I don't because some of the reasons I want to go aren't actually realistic.

Who would look after my cats? I don't have a will. What would happen to all my stuff?

But you know, people are resilient. If someone dies, it takes a long time to get over them, and it's a hard road, but you do get over it. In a way. People just continue on living their lives and they'll think about you and you'll cross their minds more than once in a day maybe, but they'll ultimately be all right.

It's when you realize that when you go home and go to bed, you have to wake up and face yet another day that you don't want to play this game anymore. It's tiresome and pointless for the most part.

To me, the one great thing we have as humans and animals, and the one thing we have that's unique in the universe is love. And I can't even get that right. I do ok with my family, but I neglect them. I do ok with my cats, but their animals and would forget me eventually anyway. There are my friends as well, but same thing. I don't call them as often as I should. I don't do things with them as often as I should. I'm not a great friend. I'm an ok friend. As for sharing my life with someone, that's been a 29-year-long disaster.

My hopes of an acting career are probably crap. I doubt I'll make it unless I starve, and judging by the rate at which I gain weight right now, that's not going to happen any time soon.

I'm about as down as down gets at the moment. Stop the bus, I wanna get off.