I think too muh when I'm alone at night. I get upset. The daytime is always fine.

I just push and push and push. Why do I feel the need to convince people of things I shouldn't have to? The mere fact that I should have to is enough to send me running.

Why don't I get it? I have been dumped. So what. Get over it, you get over the other ones, at least functionally, what's different about this one except less time? I'm getting mad about this.

It's so hard for me not to want to invite him to do things. I want to hang out. But it doesn't make things better. Being in his face doesn't make you feel better, nor him.

It's just been harped on too much now and it's always going to have that negative connotation. It's just ruined. By both of us. That sucks.

So I fix things I can. Like my apartment. My wardrobe. I'm hanging shelves, isn't that proactive? It looks good though, it makes me feel more normal, grounded and happy to have an organized home without clutter everywhere.

Which is odd, because I am a really cluttered person. I clutter up things because I can't throw stuff away. It's an odd dichotomy, being so cluttered but not liking it. I love a clean space. I love a lack of stuff everywhere, but the only thing I can do to achieve that is to make it so stuff is put away in things, invisible.

My desk is a disaster zone, but I have doors on it, so if I had people over, or if I couldn't bear to look at it anymore, I just shut the doors. Clean!

I need plants.