I called Cameron a smug motherfucker today. I'm sure that's solidified it. Now he'll hate me enough to go away. It's no longer ambiguous, his weird desire for my friendship. Now it's just nothing.

It's supposed to be easier like this.

I saw "Finding Neverland" this evening at a preview screening. Beautiful film. I did cry. I also got the giggles in a serious way because a girl next to Helen and I drank from her bottle of water or something and it made this strange odd farty noise and Helen laughed and I laughed and we both started laughing super hard and we both couldn't stop and then we had the giggles and that was it. Very distracting.

What a child I am.

Now I'm at home writing my essay and sorta procrastinating and wondering what I can pig out on as a snack. But then I think of Kate Winslet and how she's so tiny and still gets picked on constantly about her weight and it's encouraged me to just have tea.

Oh Cameron. Our stupid lives crossed each other for a short little while and here they are with such an impact on the other. At least yours did on mine. It's ridiculous, really. Everything I do reminds me of you because you permeated my life so drastically for a while. I couldn't imagine life without you in it, it just seemed wrong. But now it's real. Wow. It's just so strange.

I can't write this essay. I just can't. It's going to be terrible, I almost want to give up and just write crap.