I was supposed to go to Whistler. I was on the phone with the Gaffer discussing it. I feel weird just inviting myself up all the time, I need him to tell me he wants me to come up. He said, "you know you have an open invitation to come up whenever you want to."

But he finished that with:

"unless, of course, it's. well... you know.. umm.. well, inconvenient."

Obviously meaning if he had girls over or something. I made him say it rather than just saying it's inconvenient.

That made me feel absolutely sick. SICK. So I decided. I cried about what I should do. I cried about being treated like that. Just downgraded. I felt so generic. It made me feel awful. Now I never want to call and say that I'm coming up because I never want to hear, "actually, not this weekend, it's inconvenient". That would kill me.

Long story short. I chose not to go to Whistler. I left a message with his roommate on Thursday night. He called me FRiday night, "are you coming?" I said no. He was disappointed. He was looking forward to seeing me. It was all I could do to keep myself from packing up, running out the door and driving to Whistler top speed. I didn't go. I didn't go.

It pained me so so so much to not go. I agonized. Helen stayed over, she stayed with me and we watched movies and ate candy and sushi and drove to Horseshoe bay to take a friend to the ferry. But I didn't go to Whistler.

It made me physically ill, yet again, to hear him disappointed. Because I am the pleaser. I am the one who comes running when someone I love needs me or wants me around. It's pathetic, it's sad, it's silly, it's so much energy that I can't afford to expend on someone like him, who doesn't reinvest it in me, but instead in himself, and in other prospects and in doing his best to remind me what level I'm on, remind me of my place - FRIEND. That my feelings wouldn't stop him from fucking random girls and seeing whomever he wants and whatnot.

Which is fine. He can see whomever he wants, he can fuck whomever he wants, but that makes us different, and our relationship different, and it relegates me to something much lower than I thought I was or whatever. I don't know what I'm getting at.

I don't want to be his friend. I just don't. We can be business associates. But we can't be friends. OH FUCK OH FUCK. This is so stupid. I hate feeling this shit. I just want it all to go away.

GO AWAY.