Terrible. I'm just not ready, clearly. I'm sure I'll have fun. I'm sure he'll be very nice, but my guts aren't in it.

I just watched "Scenes From a Marriage" - Bergman. Really difficult to watch. Some of the feelings and behaviours in it were just how I am now, though not nearly to that degree - they were married for ten years in this film. So brilliantly acted as well. I felt all the same kicks in the gut.

Wonderful. And sad. And sickening. And terrifying. I never want to be in that position ever ever ever. I'm in that position now, but it was only a few months. That was ten years.

TEN YEARS.

Bleah.

so yeah, date. Don't wanna go. I'm in my underwear drinking tea and eating chinese coffee cake. It's pretty good. I miss the Gaffer.

His curly hair that's getting ski-bum long. Silly blue eyes. When he pokes me on the nose and asks me if I want head rubbies. And then puts his hands in my hair like it's the softest thing he's ever felt. He brought me oreos. Double stuff. He does his best to cheer me when he knows I'm in pain, though cheering doesn't do anything. But he tries anyway. He strokes my back in his sleep. I felt him kiss my arm when he thought I was asleep. If I had really wanted to go out, he would have gotten out of his pajamas and we would have gone out. But I was tired. He makes mistakes because he's selfish and in a roundabout way it's for me. He's afraid I'll go away and he hates the idea. He doesn't ever want to lose me. He didn't want to get off the phone because he was afraid it would be the last time he could talk to me; that I wouldn't answer his calls after that. He stays in bed an extra fifteen minutes, risking being late for work, because spooning and head rubbies feel nice. It's not just because there's a girl in the bed. It's because it's me in the bed. He misses me when I'm not around. He appreciates the efforts I make. He doesn't understand how I could feel the way I do about him. I don't understand how he doesn't feel the same for me.

Usually in my life, when I'm involved with someone, in whatever definition, I still notice other men, I still fantasize and think what ifs and flirt and such. Right now, I can't seem to do that. I try. I've tried to think about other guys, and there have been other guys to think about, but I don't have enthusiasm. My heart isn't in it. I found what I was looking for in a person and he broke right before my eyes. So now he's someone else that reminds me of him and I feel sick at the thought of losing him.

To me, the friendship we have/had/have IS LOVE. It is all that I want in a partner. Plus the sex, of course. Which we don't engage in for obvious reasons.

I wish that time would go faster. Then all the time it's going to take to heal from this and move on and stuff will be shorter, and I will get on with my life instead of feeling like something's wrong, missing, out of place.