For some reason that small action made me feel really really sad.

I have a sinking feeling that things won't come around, and that in his time and space he's going to meet someone else his own age, someone a little more his style maybe. And he'll suddenly be ready for them, and I will be out of the picture.

And he'll feel really bad about it because he knows that things could have happened for us, but I got too eager and too gung ho, and that scared him off, once again.

I was not an easy, casual thing. As usual, I'm too intense. FAR too intense. I thought maybe he was the one who could take the intensity. And maybe he could, but he's not ready for it now, and I've just fucked it all up beyond recognition.

Anyway. In keeping with the sending away and hoping he comes back, I'm going to leave him alone, really. No msn, even though he asked if we were still talking like that. I said sure, and he said we'd talk, and we did, but it seemed like I did all the talking and he did all the answering.

I just felt like I was badgering him, so no more of that. If he wants to talk to me, I haven't blocked him, it'll just pop up on my screen. But the sheer fact that I can see his name come online makes me want to say hello.

That's bad. That's annoying. Space means SPACE and me popping up on his stupid screen isn't going to help.

I was handling it well yesterday, but I'm not today. Probably because of that sinking feeling.

I want to have faith that he'll come back, but the sheer fact that he knows I'm here somewhere, not waiting, but sorta waiting, is enough to NEVER be ready for me. It's a psychological game, and I don't play it well.

I'm too honest. And I thought he was the one I wouldn't have to play it with, but maybe it's impossible to find that? Maybe you have to play the psychological game with everyone.

I really don't know how.

It's clear that I'm ridiculous. People stop reading my diary when I get like this, I understand it's boring and silly. But I can't seem to not be like this. This weird intensity, filled with fear and panic and self doubt and I'm so damn needy.

It's amazing though, to see that the times when I am needy, are times that I'm actually needing something? When we're normal, when we weren't holding back and we were just being ourselves, I was completely happy.

I felt perfect, settled, calmed, happy. It's these times of uncertainty and confusion, worry about the future, stress about the past, etc, that I become this fucked up mess of a woman.

I don't like feeling pathetic and I feel pathetic right now. So I'm going to take things one day at a time, one week at a time, and do my best to be good to myself.

Time to go to the gym.

I will be good to myself.