For fuck's sake. I have spent this whole time being very careful to not be like that. I like him, I think he's very attractive, there is a crush, I think he's lovely, but at the same time, I know that he's got baggage, and I still feel really strongly about the Gaffer. That's not a good situation to attempt any kind of romantic contact. I don't want to get involved with anyone, despite the fact that I don't like to be alone so much. I know that I'm too messed up to handle anything new. So I've spent our entire friendship trying to be very careful about things - making sure I'm not doing stuff that might make him uncomfortable etc. I have tried very hard to be sensitive to his needs in terms of being damaged and wary of people. I've been 100% honest with him.

I went so far as to assure him outright on several occasions, that yes I do think he's attractive and I'm attracted to him but I'm not AFTER him, and have no intention of pursuing him in a romantic way.

Plus he's a smoker. Yuck.

Yet I get accused of simple, base, vile, female jealousy. I've been reduced to a stupid girl.

I am not immune to stupid female jealousy. It's there in regards to the Gaffer. I don't want to watch him flirt with other women, or mack them or whatever. It makes my chest tight and my stomach hurt.

But in this situation, there was none of that going on at all. He told me it didn't take a genius to see that I had taken up some issue with this female friend of his. Guess his genius is a big fat liar. For once in my life, I have been entirely above board, entirely cool about all of it, and not trying to do anything under the wire, and I get accused of it all anyway. Jesus.

I feel prettty insulted.

I wrote him back and told him he was utterly wrong and defended myself politely. Then I thought about it some more.

I don't want to be on the receiving end of his suspicions and baggage. He's got his problems, that's fine, he's entitled to all his issues. I don't begrudge him that stuff, but in the same breath, I don't want to be subject to it. I have enough trouble losing myself in friendships/relationships that suck me dry and make me feel like I'm being kicked in the teeth all the time. It's not right.

So I'm backing out of this one with my hands up. Keep out, dangerous. Red flag city. If he doesn't trust me and is suspicious of my actions/motives for no really good reason, then there is no basis for friendship there.

I now feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, nervous, paranoid that he's being suspicious, afraid I'm going to get lashed out at again. That's no way to be, with someone.

Fuck sake.