He never takes risks. He doesn't risk anything in his life. If he can't see the outcome, and if he can't see that the outcome will be positive, or work, he won't venture it. Even though the possibilities are really endless.

He won't leave his job and try for school because what if it doesn't work out? What if he goes to school for all those years to no avail. Well, here's why:

What if you enjoy all your subjects so much that it makes getting up in the morning and going to school and living your life and things FUN and interesting? What if it makes you look forward to your day?

What if you learn billions of things you never knew before?

What if your thinking becomes augmented and expanded?

What if you meet all kinds of fascinating intelligent brilliant like minded people?

What if you find a career you never knew about or discover that something you never considered before is suddenly really appealing?

Same thing with relationships. He didn't want to get involved in a proper relationship with me because he was convinced it wouldn't work out. He self-fulfilled that one. You know, what if it doesn't work out? What if we break up and it's awful and everything.. etc.

What if it isn't like that?

What if it will work out because we made efforts to be considerate of each other?

etc. you get my drift. He focuses on the negative and never risks anything, in fear that it won't work out. but he misses the point. He misses that things have just as much a chance of being great as they do otherwise, and he's missing out on so many of life's joys and experiences because he's afraid.

Yep.

I am aware of the irony of this tirade.

Also, I believe I have been 'set aside' by the director, which is fine, and understandable. His father will most likely pass away today. Director wants space. Which just means to me that I am no comfort to him. I'm ok with it. I'm sad, but I understand. It's a lot to deal with, losing a parent, and I can't possibly relate, yet. So I step back and let him go through this as he needs to, and he can call me if he needs to talk etc. But it feels over.

I'm sad for him.

I'm sad for me too.

I want time to freeze. I wish I could make time freeze. Then the director's father would remain alive, even though he's comatose, he's alive, Cameron would remain on the other side of town. I would remain this weight, and not get fatter. I wouldn't have to eat ever again. My cats would remain curled up like little fur circles on my flannel quilt, forever warm and purring and young. I wouldn't get further into debt. I would remain alone with purpose.

I want to beat my heart into stopping. Time would stop, after all, at least for me. Is that any easier? Probably not.

Oh if my therapist could get his hands on this diary.

I always see them in the morning, when I'm fresh and the weight of the day hasn't taken its toll yet. I see them before I remember why I wanted to see them in the first place.

I hurt so much, and it's amazing how I can go about my life stuff and forget all these things.