I went for that piece of chocolate mousse torte thing with Uncle B and helped him move a bit.

In the process I ran into ole' Jones, the ex secret boyfriend from what feels like a hundred years ago.

That was weird. He's always so 'nice' to me - catching up, how're you doing, how's school, what have you been up to. I doubt he really cares. I wanted to send him an email today to say it was nice seeing him, and it was. But what would I send it for? To what end? He would either not reply, or reply some sort of pleasantry, yes it was nice to see you too, take care. It's all so meaningless and sad.

When I got home, the Gaffer had left me a message to call him back. It was 12:30, and his msn name said 'zzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzz" So I didn't call him back.

He was gone again before I got up this morning, off digging massive painful blister causing holes for the set of the film he's working on for free. He doesn't want to work on this one, but he has to.

And now I'm so conflicted. I feel horrible. Do I send him a little email wishing him a good day and hoping it goes well and to give me a call when he gets home? Do I drop him a friendly msn? That's what I WANT to do. But then reason steps in and says, NO, don't call him, don't leave him an email. If he wants to be free to do what he wants, if he wants to not have to worry about things about you and about hurting you and leaving town and things, then he can fucking well go be by himself.

I know what my friends will say. I know what my mother will say. EVERYONE will say, "if that's what he wants, if he wants to be alone and to not have to worry about you and things, then he can fuck off, you're too good etc. Don't call him."

I'm the worst at letting things go.