I'm wide awake and though this is something I already know, the christmas holiday and finally today has driven this home.

I have a serious spending problem. I have spent a lot of money over this holiday on crap. On nothing. On all kinds of things I didn't need.

My grandmother gives me money while I'm going to school to help me out so that I'm not poor. And though I appreciate it so so so much, and I am grateful for her help, I disrespect her by spending too much of that money on nothing.

Three quarters of a huge sum of money she gave me was squandered. I spent a lot of it on debt I had, only to rack up more debt in its place. I feel terrible. I feel really really terrible, and what sucks the most is at this hour, there's no-one I can call to cry on about this, to comfort me and tell me it's going to be ok.

I put my credit card away. I'm going to sell a lot of things on ebay tomorrow. I'm cancelling my trip to whistler. I'm going to do my best now to be worthy of her help. I feel like such a foolish asshole. I don't deserve her help at all. AT ALL.

I have a major lesson to learn, and I think I learned it tonight, just out of the blue. I've replaced overeating with overspending. I've just blown it. I've done that before too.

She bought me a car when I was 17. And I drove it for five years, and in the meantime I spent money, racked up debt etc etc. Then, I resolved to move to scotland for a while and I sold the car to pay off the debts and buy a plane ticket.

Now, I regret that more than anything. That car was fully paid for. And I used it to pay for pizzas and clothes and other crap, my trip to europe the first time and the second time. What a waste.

I'm a waste like that. I can't believe how much I take for granted. How easily money slips through my hands, how little I seem to deeply appreciate it, though in some weird way I do.

I feel panicky and I can't stop crying. I want to call her right now and apologize, and of course I can't because it's 2am. And she has no idea, of course, that I've done this. That I've squandered so much. I feel so fucking guilty. And since there's no one to talk to, I spill it here. How dare I do this, and treat her generosity like this when there are so many people who struggle so much harder than I ever did.

Well. I've made a game plan to make back some money, though it will be little.

I cannot do this anymore.

I hate being alone right now. I hate it more than anything.