I have so much stuff to look forward to and I'm not looking forward to any of it. I don't want to do it, I don't want to go anywhere, do anything, my holiday, which I was impartial to in the first place, now I really don't want to go, but if I stay at home, I'll feel just the same. Unhappy.

I really don't want to take antidepressants. I really don't. They make me mental. But it appears that every day, as the day wears on I become more and more sad and unmotivated, I feel more pointless and worthless. It's exhausting. There's really something to be said for the automatic even keel that medication affords. You sleep better. You don't want to die in the evenings.

So I do all kinds of stuff to distract myself, but the second I stop, I start to cry again. I read Penny Arcade ALL day today. I play video games, I read, I attempt to do homework and fail miserably.

Yeah, love yourself first, then people will love you back. I hate that platitude, and I hear it so often.

We start out loving ourselves and are chopped down bit by bit by all the other people in this place. So then when people try to give you back pieces, you don't know where to put them because you're so mangled that nothing fits together anymore.

I can't wait for the Gaffer to leave. I want this all to be over and done with. Salvaging a friendship is always my first reaction, but why would I be salvaging it? In the hopes that when he moves back in April he'll be ready for me. But then that's over four months away and lots can happen in that time and I wouldn't want to wait for nothing.

So really, it's just wiser to write him off the planet, like I did Cameron.

So do I just keep writing people off my planet? That defeats the purpose. I don't WANT to be alone here.