I swear he thinks I'm an idiot, my prof. He's alright in class, everything is fine, but then when I see him in the hallway he's all awkward and noddy. Anyway.

I know I haven't been particularly interesting or upbeat or funny lately. I guess I'm just kinda sucked dry. I feel like a stranger in my own house, my ideas of how things are going to go for me in the next year have suddenly gone up in the air. I again wonder what I'm doing at school in the first place other than avoiding having to work full time.

I know I'm learning. I know that I'm changing my mind and the way I think and I'm becoming more worldly and experienced. I know that my writing will improve. But I want to act. I want it.

I'm starting to remember the things that jackrabbit told me. How he thought I needed to be realistic regarding my acting aspirations. Realistic meaning that I am too fat to be a successful actor. But then you have to examine what you equate success with.

There is a guy in my latin class who really bent me out of shape. He is a failed actor and said that acting is a SAD profession. He went on to say that he had a friend who had his own TV series and was "at the top of his profession, went as far as he could go" (which if that was what he considered to be as far as he could go is in my opinion, sad itself) etc then lost it all when the work in this town dried up.

So he got out of acting and wants to be a lawyer instead. I'll tell you why. Because he equates success as an actor with making lots of money and being revered as a TV actor.

That, in my opinion is bullllllshit.

Anyway, he pissed me off, and revealed himself as a sad, failed actor who was in the business because he looks good and wanted attention and wanted to make money and have the lifestyle that goes along with that.

It's obvious, even in class how much he needs the attention. Continuous smart ass comments and jokes that aren't REALLY funny, and actually irritate most people because he goes on and on when really the joke is over. It's as though he says "listen to me, look at me, listen to me, look at me".

Anyway, enough of the whole ranting and trashing of the wannabe rich kid in class.

He's shallow and his opinion doesn't really affect me, but nevertheless it made me think again on my road here.

I'm not working very hard at my profession. I'm not working at it at all. I'm not even really working on my body either, which has always been, in my opinion, the barrier between my getting work or remaining this.

I feel like nothing. I feel everything, which is a lot for something that is nothing.

I just keep cruisin' along, it's like I'm waiting for something to happen. But I've been waiting for 28 years, you know? Maybe that something isn't actually in the wings waiting for the right time to leap out at me.

And I just can't bring myself to walk offstage to grab it myself.

My ear just readjusted its pressure. That hurt.

I better go read some philosophy.

I really just want to go home to bed.