I don't suffer much from the old depression, but now and then it hits me rather hard.

Tonight at work my coworker started telling me about all the beautiful girls we work with. He mentioned that I was not on that list. He tried to counter that with how close it was and how many people came close to the list.

It was a stupid conversation. It made me feel awful. I'm so insecure, as it is, about my appearance, and it was all I could do to keep from crying right there in the box office. But I held it in.

I also got a phone message from the ole ex, Trevor, saying the following:

"Oh, ahh, I'm not sure if I added you to the email list or not, but we're having a BBQ tonight, and a Halo (x-box game) party thing tonight, so if you want to come. OH, and can you bring your x-box controllers? Thanks. Hope to see you there."

To me that meant "shit we need more controllers. who has them? Oh let's call Arianna." So I went. Because, in actuality, his roommate Ryan had invited me a couple of weeks ago. I had planned on coming anyway.

I was there and lo and behold, so was jackrabbit, and so was Trevor's girlfriend. I can deal with jackrabbit by not dealing with him at all. But when Trevor started playing with his girlfriend's hair all lovely like and dovely like, I had to go. I wasn't playing any of the games, because there wasn't space for me, and because they were getting hardcore and yelling at people who were dying, and I die a LOT in that game. I just felt extraneous there. So rather than hang around and watch other people play games, and watch an ex, who I was really destroyed over, play with his girlfriend, I left.

I haven't cried this hard in ages. I guess it's good to cry like this once in a while. But I hate what I'm crying for.