I got a B+ on my second in class Literary Analysis essay in English. I guess that's ok. I handed in a paper full of grammatical errors, which is unlike me. But that was a bad day. I couldn't even get started on the essay itself until two thirds of the way through the class.

Meh. I guess B+ is OK, but it's not good enough for me. I guess I expected worse but wanted better.

Next: the philosophy essay. Who knows sub caeli what I'll get on that. Bah.

I haven't heard from the Director since Friday night. Here's what happened:

His father collapsed on friday and he had to jet out of town to his side and he was in a bit of a state when he called me that evening. Understandable. The man has had a quadruple bypass before, and it might have given out, I don't know. I let the director know that he could call me at any time to talk or whatever, let me know how he's doing etc. I haven't heard from him at all. I left a message friday night just checking in, and another sunday night, to check in, and as I said, no word.

What I think happened: I think his father passed away. I think that because if he was ok, or even unstable but alive, I would have heard from him by now, letting me know what's going on etc. I think he passed away because not hearing from the Director would mean that he's with family right now, taking care of business and his mother and in mourning himself. Too busy and distracted to remember that I'm here worrying about him.

And this is not me being selfish, "why hasn't he called me, harrumph" but me trying to figure out what's happened, because I truly am worried.

Anyway.

Also, Cameron has been on my mind far too much, since the couple of exchanges we have had in the last two weeks. Damn him, why didn't he stay away? Now I'm thinking about him all the time again and feeling sad, and everything reminds me of him and how things went bad. My friends are sick of hearing about it, my diary is sick of hearing about it, I'm sick of thinking about it.

And part of me feels really sad that he's gone, or has to remain gone, because I can't deal with him in my life, I really can't. He decided not to come to the screening after our conversation because he asked me the simple question about whether or not I wanted him to stay away from it.

I told him it wasn't my decision, and that if he was invited, he should go. But he insisted I give an honest answer, and so I did. I said that in all honesty, I didn't want to see him. So he decided not to come.

He told Rod that I was more important than supporting the girls at their screening. That my comfort was more important.

I am not sure how I'm supposed to feel about that. Thankful? Grateful? Relieved? Happy that I'm important to him? Pissed and skeptical? That he's some sort of martyr? Is he looking for brownie points? What does he FUCKING WANT FROM ME? I have nothing to give him.

He once said to me, "Why can't you just go away?" When he wanted me to stop loving him so he could marry Jana.

So now, I've gone away. And this is what I get. Ambiguousness, mixed messages. The desire for my friendship??? I don't know what it is he claims he misses about me. Something I brought to his life? I can't imagine what that is. I cannot possibly.

And now I've launched on yet another tirade about the same exhausted subject. I hang on to my anger like the last rung on a helicopter ladder. If I let go, I'll drop god knows how far. Maybe I'll just keep falling and falling into that bottomless pit where the blind, the trusting,the desperate and the love starved live, hoping to fall into someone else along the way.