It's semi-fictional, totally adult in nature and is intended to be a way for me to work through my frustrating situation as well as sort out my own bullshit.

So that aside. I want to whinge about my self esteem.

It's terrible right now. I hardly believe in a single thing I am doing. I want to do well in almost all the projects I'm involved in but I just feel like giving up, half the time.

And my body. Fucking body. I ran so well yesterday. I ran really fast, without tiring, without stopping. I'm so much stronger than I was, faster, fitter, etc. But I'm bigger. I'm bigger than I was, but fitter than I was.

The sad, sick part of me is that I would rather be thinner and entirely unfit. Because that's what matters now, to the rest of this ridiculous society we live in. Who gives a shit if I can run strong and hard for forty minutes? WHO CARES??? My heart cares, because it's able to get the blood around my body. My muscles care because I'll live longer.

Society wonders why I would want to live longer if I'm going to be fat. Life's not worth living if you're not thin, rich, beautiful, successful. Right?

I need to move. Maybe Iceland with Galaxy. Then I can be me, wearing rubber boots, braids in my hair, with reindeer for pets. Fuzzy muzzles.