I said ok. I mentioned it to Fleet, and he said go for it, and I felt awful.

He said, "well if I'm going to play the field, you can too." Yeah yeah. I know that. I guess it just feels horrible because you're ok with it. It makes me feel like you don't care.

You don't want me to wait for you, you keep telling me to go do my thing etc. And that shows me that you're willing to lose me to someone else. Which means I can't be that important to you.

Now I feel sick, I want this to be over.

I'm tired of feeling things, I'm tired of feeling on the outside. I'm starting to build up resentment and frustration turns to directed anger. I'm poisoning this, and it's going to turn sour.

I'm going to break one day and yell at him. And that's going to make things really fucked up.

I HAVE TO STEP AWAY. So why can't I? Yeah he needs time and space, and SO DO I.

We have plans for tomorrow night. I'll carry them out because they're set. But that's gotta be the last time for a while, really really really.

I need an enforcer. I need someone sitting on my goddam shoulder saying, "nooooo, no no no. be strong, don't give in. make him miss you."

I just can't. I hate that I feel so strongly, it makes me want to kick myself.