I'm just so damned tired. I'm really done with this shit. It sounds so cliche, but really, I'm tired of life. It's the same boring shit day in day out, no matter what I do to enrich myself, no matter how I try to live to the fullest. I'm bored. I'm tired. Exhausted, actually. I have that weird depressive feeling that if I died today, I wouldn't be all that bothered about it.

Isn't that ridiculous? I'm sick of feeling sad and pushed away and I'm sick of being friends and I guess I'm being stupid when I say that all I want is great love. Because it doesn't exist. Oh wait, I've seen it but it's always hampered by something, some fucking bullshit that gets in the way and screws it up because we as humans are screw ups. We blew it.

Hope I've cheered you all up.

And in the meantime my compulsive eating has given me 7 extra pounds. Yes 7. That's how fast I gain weight.

I just don't know what to do. Do I just not hang out with him anymore? Do I agree to be friends and see where it goes in the long run? What do I fucking do? Every single choice hurts. And I know what's happened in the past when I've tried to just be friends with someone I have strong feelings for. It gets messy messy messy.

All my girlfriends, of course, will say, "fuck him, he's an ass, you don't need that shit, tell him to fuck off."

They're probably right. But I can't do that outright, I just can't. How do I create this drama? HOW DO I STOP CREATING IT?

I need a new heart.
I need a new brain.