What did I say?

How happy was I not six hours ago? And now, after trying on every item of clothing in my closet I suddenly feel like the most hideous creature on earth.

The questions I have:

Why can't I stop eating?
Why is it that it doesn't matter how little I eat, I seem to either starve or feel huge?
Why can't I just go for a run when I plan to?
Why is all this so fucking hard? It seems so unfair that this is how I am and this is how things are and this is how I'm judged.
Why is that I feel like this is how I'm judged? I'm sure I'm not really judged this way. I'm so tired of feeling substandard. That I would be beautiful, if only...

It's so unreasonable. I am not hideous. I know that. I have no real reason to feel unlucky.

In philosophy class tonight we discussed the 'experience box' issue, where you could be hooked up to basically the matrix, only it's perfect, and it doesn't reject. You wake up in the morning feeling fabulous and refreshed and perfect, and your day consists of perfect things that you love to do. So why wouldn't you do it - allow them to hook you up? Or would you?

I thought about the lack of freedom imposed by this machine, and suddenly I didn't care. I would sign up in a second.

I am thinking about getting back on the meds, but their side effects aren't worth it.

It's stupid what I find important to my happiness. I'm really unimpressed.