Fleet. The entry prior to this one had me waiting until 3am for him to show up. He came about five minutes after I got off updating. He didn't finish shooting until 2am, then they had to break down the set, but he didn't call in case he woke me. That's reasonable.

Since that time, we have spent a considerable amount of time together and things are starting to carry a feeling of fate of some kind. Though I'm not a heavy believer in the idea that our lives are already planned out for us beforehand, I do believe that certain things just fall into place sometimes for something else to come about.

Little things tip me off to the fate of it all. The way we were both instantly aware of each other, the way we noticed that we're basically the same person, just the male and female version.

Here's the kicker and this is what has sealed it for me. I feel 100% myself with him. I do not feel like I have to be something else, do something differently, be better, be prettier for him, any of that shit. I have NO FEAR about myself when I am with him. I LOVE who I am when I am with him. I feel smart, funny, beautiful, fun, sexy, grounded, and those are all things that I already am. I've just never felt that I can by myself truly with someone until now. It's sad, and very telling that this is the first time I've inhabited myself.

And he is the same with me.

I have complained for HOW LONG? that I want to meet a guy with whom I don't have to play any games to keep his interest. He is that guy. I always said I would hold out for that one guy that would take my honesty and straighforwardness at face value and find it one of my greatest qualities instead of running in fear from the words "I really like you." In fact, he was the first person to use those words between us.

Our conversations never falter. We are always laughing, always talking, always comfortable. I never tire of his company. At the end of the day, we don't want to part. So we don't.

He's extremely affectionate, and so am I. To him, I am not clingy because he is as clingy as I am. And we cling to each other all day. I asked him if he is always this affectionate or if it wanes after a while. He said (paraphrased), 'nope, always like this. my mother taught me when I was very young that I should always be affectionate to my girlfriends and it just stuck.' He's a cuddly cuddly person. I'm exactly the same. My mother taught me as well to be affectionate, but that's simply because she's very affectionate. I learned by example.

I don't know what to say. You know how people always tell you that when you meet the right one, you'll just know and everything else will fall away?

The guillotine:

He has a girlfriend back in Halifax with whom he is on a break. She imposed the break when he went away to school in January. Since then she has ignored him, lied to him, neglected him etc. Probably because it's hard for her too, but also because she is more than likely seeing someone else too.

The relationship, to me, feels over for them. But they won't know for certain until he goes home, which is Saturday. He's going home for one week on holiday to visit his family, go surfing, and see where his relationship is.

So this is how it could go. He could get home, find it's over, and they break up for good. Then he and I begin in earnest.

or.

He could go home, and she could fall on her knees and cry and refuse to give up. And they can decide to hang on until December, and continue to hang on while he stays in Vancouver to continue his career. And then I am out of the picture, relegated to friend, which I won't do. It'll be over for us.

The odds are in my favour. She hasn't been forthright with him, and she also refuses to move to vancouver to be with him in his film career choice. Not that it's expected, but if she wants to have a relationship with him, it helps to be together. She has nothing really holding her in Halifax other than her refusal to leave. She just won't make the sacrifice, and that is her choice to make, and a valid one, it just means the end of their relationship. Good for me.

Anyway, in a week, I'll know whether everything else will really fall away, or whether I'll once again mourn the loss of my heart.