I just can't let well enough alone. But it was a conversation that was coming since pretty much the day he broke up with his girlfriend.

He still wants to be friends with me. I'm not sure I could.

He said "can I at least call you? can I message you? I want to be able to call you." I said ok to that.

I was just further along than he was. I liked him more than he liked me, even though he really liked me a lot.

He says he isn't able to stop himself when he knows he should. So though he knows very well he's not ready to be involved again, he still involves himself, and he's afraid that if he doesn't stop himself it's going to get too serious and he's going to hurt me.

He says he doesn't want to lose me, that's the worst, and it's better to stop all this now and be friends than to continue, hurt me more, and then lose me.

He's already lost me.

He said what if he started dating someone else and ...

And that was my tipoff. Right there. I thought, why would he want to date someone else? If he's ready to date, why wouldn't he date me? Because with me, it would become too serious, and he would want something casual and none too meaningful. It was my tipoff that it's really really really done.

I'm done too. I just want to be alone. I don't want to hang out with friends, I don't want to go do social things, I don't want to talk anymore. I just want to be away from everything. I don't want to go to school, or work, or anything else. Just don't.

I don't want to get close to anyone else. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I'm so sick of this.

He said if I decide I can't talk to him anymore, or don't want to, then I should please tell him so he's not left wondering what the hell, and so that I don't just stop talking to him.

It would be respectful of me.

I'm so angry I can't even imagine what I want to do. I'm so sad I can't even imagine going through my fucking day.

He laughed at me when I said two months was a fair bit of time. It is, in a way. There's time invested there. But I guess when your last relationship was three years, it's a drop in the bucket.

GOD when I hurt I want to rain down revenge somehow. I always want them to hurt like I do because it feels so so so bad and I wish they would see.

Why do we need people? Why do I need to share my life with someone? Why do I have such terrible timing and judgement and such? Why do I take such risks?

Did I self fulfil a prophecy?